I see all the beauty that is all around me, when I breath in, I feel the beauty in the creation all around me, and I sit and I wonder what is it that is keeping me unsatisfied with just being by myself? Why can’t I just be in the now, why can’t I just be satisfied with not having a relationship with a man.
Why do we compare are selves to those around us and what they have and what we don’t, we don’t have a right to covet what isn’t ours?What I’m getting at is why is it so hard to figure this out? This life and are true self, i honestly feel like its easier than we make it but sometimes the tough times make us who are and bring more joy after the bad.
Sometimes you have to look for the beauty in the bad the situation, we cant see the other side yet or why this is happening and that straight up SUCKS! I know, we all want answer in the unknown but we cant always get them. When I started having seizures at 13 I didn’t understand the “why” but I did understand that there would be a answer someday and that I just had to be patient (for three years) little did I know but I got part of the answer of what it WAS but not a answer on WHY it was happening to me.
Now after almost 10 years of dealing with this I don’t really care anymore, what happened, happened and I can’t change that. Now as an adult, I wouldn’t change it for anything all I know in my heart is that I am strong enough to wake up everyday and take my medicine, live my life to fullest, no longer in fear of the possibility of having a seizure in public or dying or being judge because I know longer judge myself, I know longer sit at home in fear or care about the possibility of the unknown because its not in my hands anymore nor has it every been and its honestly a stress reviler to not have it all on my shoulder.
I gave my worries, fears, doubts, sickness, anxieties (work in progress), thoughts, depression, life, future, work, friends and family ALL over to GOD because I would not be in this much peace with out him. Its amazing at how when you let go and let God he truly does revive you and gives you everything you ask for and peace in your heart and when I go about my day Im sometimes at a loss for words because Im perfectly in bliss with everything in my life.
Ill share this, This week I have been missing my time in Los Angles CA and missing my friends there but I started having this doubt that maybe I made a mistake coming home. That maybe I should have stayed there, and everything would be better and I would feel better, then I started hating home and this town and everything about it. But today as I walking in my neighborhood that I have grown up in everything became NEW! Like the very first day I saw, It was like I was a kid and I saw all the places I use to play at for the first time, everywhere that I played with my friends all brand new all the trees blowing through the fall wind new. All the dogs running around new. ALL the beautiful houses new, my eyes where new and seeing them in a new perfect reflection on how Jesus sees us wonderfully and fearfully made and NEW. Because I not only deserve to feel the Joy and wonder of this place but because their truly is beauty all around. It is precious, beautiful, glorious and HIS.
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