Stubborn

Life moves a little bit faster than we think. Sometimes, I feel as though my brain isn’t keeping up, and I’m spinning around as fast as possible, trying not to fall. But would falling really be that bad of a thing?

Sometimes, falling isn’t a bad thing; it can be good, maybe if I met you id fall for you and you would catch me, maybe if I opened my self up more you would find me faster.

It’s not my timing.

It’s his timing, and I understand that, but selfishly, we all want what we want now. In this moment, I find peace that he knows better than I. Even if I want to be stubborn and not listen, I have that undeniable moment with him where I feel him.

I feel God rising up ready for me to let go and let him in, let him take control and guide me, when something is on the horizon for you little or big changes it can be a lot to handle.

But we serve a BIG God who can take every obstacle in front of you and turn it into good and into a golden story to share with those struggling in the future. I tend to give it to God and take it right back but I’m pretty proud of myself as I’ve gotten older and talked through things and listened more.

I leave it at his feet more and throw my hands up and walk away from it, sometimes I glance back and I can see him telling me to just keep walking away from it and that he has it.

I’ve always wanted to prove my neurologist wrong that I wasn’t going to suffer with seizures for the rest of my life and be on the medicines forever, like he says, but I always prayed and said to myself that at 30, I believed God would heal me.

I still believe that, whether that is a full healing of my brain no longer needing it or its a spiritual healing of fear, I know he can still work wonders and heal but I know he works in mysteries ways.

I think about my doctor, a renowned neurologist who teaches future neuro students. He is the best doctor I could have ever asked for, truly, but he is also an atheist, and and that has always been a very huge topic every doctor apt when I choice to not do birth control, or when I said I was going to Christian counseling.

He was always so curious but never dug in; that curiosity has always intrigued me because sometimes I wish I could meet God for the first time with fresh eyes and read the bible for the first time and read the truth of how he saved me all those billions of years ago and know I need redemption, forgiveness and above all love.

As long-time Christians, we can get clouded by the mundane and typical routine in our relationship with God, and I have fallen into that rut many times over the years. What has gotten me out of it has been finding people who agree with me biblically, uplift me mentally, and are honest with me.

My biggest struggle in my depression is placing blame on everyone BUT myself, never holding myself accountable for anything, making myself the victim day in and day out, and whining about everything that was done wrong to me.

To be brutally honest here, there is only so long you can live and sit in your own victim mentality until you decide to get up and change your mindset, change your attitude. Is it easy? No. Is it hard sometimes to realize that maybe you were sometimes the problem? Yeah.

But with time, you look back and cringe a little less at yourself and laugh a lot more! I will never fully understand why I have gone through what I have in the last 29 years, but I am glad it was me because God chose me for greatness and for a purpose. I will never shut up about what he has done for me and what he has kept doing for me with every breath I take.