Tera – Mums the word

Yearning

The deeper I let someone grow close, the farther you seem to go, and my fragile ego gets in the way, denying access for anyone else to cross into my heart like you did. A decade has passed, yet the feeling of your hand in mine as we drive down the busy street still sparks my heart.

I still yearn for you but know the tragedy of the desire to have you as we are not meant to be, I can’t say if, it’s yet and maybe there is still more learning for us to do as individual or if, God truly had us together for a once upon a time and never again, breaking my heart in the process of “This isn’t going to work but I still love you”

Heartbreaking but true, I know what to do, but doing it is a lot harder than thinking it. The process of breaking you out of my head and the chains that bind me to you is more troubling than expected.

A young love is to never be more than just that.

I forgot part of the past, left behind with the high school diploma and the first kiss in the rain, a surprise birthday party, and friends who were left behind. The more I think about it, the more I remember it ended for a reason, and to leave the past in the past, giving the heartache to God once again.

I don’t want to yearn for a relationship; I want to yearn for God. I want to be lost in him and find someone who sees me because they see how found I am in my worth in God.

I love love, and I have always had a perfect vision of how I would find the one and live the perfect life I expected to have once I was married.

The older I get, the more I understand that marriage does not solve the problems you had beforehand, nor does it prevent the problems that arise in life.

Sometimes I wonder if I want to subject someone to take on my issues and my past struggles with suicide, depression, and epilepsy, because who can I trust to walk alongside me as I deal with it as it comes?

My dad recently asked me “Was I ever tempted in high school?” referring to drugs, alcohol, sex- I told him “No” I often wonder was it my demeaner of how I held myself as a Christian that people who dabble in that world knew I would never fold even though if I was to be asked as teen I have no idea how I would have respond to a boy I liked or someone I really wanted to be friends with.

I sometimes think I freaked people out with how happy I always seemed because it was the mask I wore, happiness suited me well, and the fear of not being seen as the perfect Christian, and the fear of falling under the pressure that no one but myself added.

I have to repeat this, no one ever said I had to be perfect in anyway as a Christian or a women but in my head watching everyone cleaned and dressed up and polished at church or just out in the world and on social media I just assumed everyone had it together and forgot to stop for a moment and ask them “How are you really doing?”

And when I would, I got scared of the answer: I’m not okay. And if they say they are not OK, is anyone okay? The whole facade would be shattered, and I’d be hit with the debris.

Forever and a day

Love doesn’t always come easy. The only one who loved me with no strings attached, who asked for nothing in return, was God. Finding you was easy, loving you was easy, keeping you is easy, being yours is easy.

Trusting myself to not run away from something good is hard. I want to ruin a good thing, but then I look at you and remember how wonderful you are, and how I feel safe with you. I hope and pray that the dreams we have for the future come true for us.

God willing they will and I’ll be by your side, I’ve already seen things happen as we are together, but know I’m running to you forever. And a day more.

Stubborn

Life moves a little bit faster than we think. Sometimes, I feel as though my brain isn’t keeping up, and I’m spinning around as fast as possible, trying not to fall. But would falling really be that bad of a thing?

Sometimes, falling isn’t a bad thing; it can be good, maybe if I met you id fall for you and you would catch me, maybe if I opened my self up more you would find me faster.

It’s not my timing.

It’s his timing, and I understand that, but selfishly, we all want what we want now. In this moment, I find peace that he knows better than I. Even if I want to be stubborn and not listen, I have that undeniable moment with him where I feel him.

I feel God rising up ready for me to let go and let him in, let him take control and guide me, when something is on the horizon for you little or big changes it can be a lot to handle.

But we serve a BIG God who can take every obstacle in front of you and turn it into good and into a golden story to share with those struggling in the future. I tend to give it to God and take it right back but I’m pretty proud of myself as I’ve gotten older and talked through things and listened more.

I leave it at his feet more and throw my hands up and walk away from it, sometimes I glance back and I can see him telling me to just keep walking away from it and that he has it.

I’ve always wanted to prove my neurologist wrong that I wasn’t going to suffer with seizures for the rest of my life and be on the medicines forever, like he says, but I always prayed and said to myself that at 30, I believed God would heal me.

I still believe that, whether that is a full healing of my brain no longer needing it or its a spiritual healing of fear, I know he can still work wonders and heal but I know he works in mysteries ways.

I think about my doctor, a renowned neurologist who teaches future neuro students. He is the best doctor I could have ever asked for, truly, but he is also an atheist, and and that has always been a very huge topic every doctor apt when I choice to not do birth control, or when I said I was going to Christian counseling.

He was always so curious but never dug in; that curiosity has always intrigued me because sometimes I wish I could meet God for the first time with fresh eyes and read the bible for the first time and read the truth of how he saved me all those billions of years ago and know I need redemption, forgiveness and above all love.

As long-time Christians, we can get clouded by the mundane and typical routine in our relationship with God, and I have fallen into that rut many times over the years. What has gotten me out of it has been finding people who agree with me biblically, uplift me mentally, and are honest with me.

My biggest struggle in my depression is placing blame on everyone BUT myself, never holding myself accountable for anything, making myself the victim day in and day out, and whining about everything that was done wrong to me.

To be brutally honest here, there is only so long you can live and sit in your own victim mentality until you decide to get up and change your mindset, change your attitude. Is it easy? No. Is it hard sometimes to realize that maybe you were sometimes the problem? Yeah.

But with time, you look back and cringe a little less at yourself and laugh a lot more! I will never fully understand why I have gone through what I have in the last 29 years, but I am glad it was me because God chose me for greatness and for a purpose. I will never shut up about what he has done for me and what he has kept doing for me with every breath I take.

The Void

A break in the void, a rise in the fire, a drop in the motion, a new feeling up raising through the void of my mind. What is to come? The fresh breeze floats through the air as the sun breaks through the clouds.

I choose to feel my weaknesses and my failures and unbox them in front of the mirror. I stare at myself, but who is it really that stares back at me? Is it the person everyone expects me to be or the person I know God wants me to be?

Lingering

It’s always one step forward two steps back with you- your invisible to the seeing eye unless you leave your mark on me.

Sometimes you show yourself to me as a small bruise or a sleepless night, or better yet you wake me up from a peaceful sleep causing me to wake drenched in sweat and confusion.

Shame and fear washing over me as I come to terms with what has happened, the exhaustion of explaining my feelings and emotions about you being back into my life again.

The pain coursing through my tired body, and waiting for it to cease only for the pain to fade but the tiredness still to lingers.

The anger still lingers close to my heart; the hate I carry for you is too much for me and not something I would typically gravitate towards when I list my feelings but you bring out of me.

As you intertwine yourself into my life, causing me to fall to my feet and take things away from me like they belong to you, I get poked and prodded, and I feel you laughing.

You’re invisible to everyone except me, but I will have the last laugh.

The Static Box

It’s still loud, and I hear that normal humming, chaotic sound that puts my mind in overdrive. It doesn’t silence as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, hoping that peace will consumes my mind.

It will only come if I allow it. If I open my mouth, what will happen? If I speak my truth, who will believe me? What power do I have? Was it all in my head, or was it reality?

Will the static stop, will my mind be silent, will I be able to have peace wherever I go, or will this noise walk with me for the rest of my days? Haunting me as I breathe everyday.

I close my eyes and pull the covers up, holding tight to the promises of yesterday and tomorrow. The light from the TV grows dimmer as I feel the water rising around me, what do I do?

What do I do?

I look to the static-filled TV, grabbing the bat in my hand, and slam the bat into the TV as hard as I can, full force.

Everything goes dark and I can no longer see, I scream into the darkness, dropping to my knees, crying and grabbing my head, “What do I do now?” Silence is all I am met with.

The clarity of the silence in my mind pulls me out of my downfall, I control the static now.

In With the New… Year

Another year, another lesson I didn’t ask for. Every year I grow closer to 30 is another year, and my 20s are left as memories. I learned the important things I will need to know as I get older and wiser. I am so glad the way my life has turned out.

If you asked me at 20 what I would be doing at 28, she would confidently listen off–

I would be married, a mother to at least two children, and maybe pregnant again. We would have a wonderful house with beautiful Christmas decor, and I would live my dream as a stay-at-home mom teaching my children.

But that isn’t what happens to me and I am thankful for that.

I have gotten to experience so much and discover who I really am through Christ, God’s path was better than mine and he knew for me to be the best I had to live out my 20s this way and trust in him.

I am so thankful and grateful for every hard moment and tear-filled car ride, hospital stay, and anxiety-filled moment. I still have a lot to work through and a lot of growth but that never stops, there are always ways to improve one’s self.

This next year I don’t want to make goals or challenges that will fail on day 10 but I want to do what makes me happy and makes God proud of me, that is the most important thing in life to me.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

It won’t make since

Life can be a sand pit, you fall and you can’t get back up, you stop fighting and let the pit take you farther down until you can no longer see the light and I was fine with that, I was over the plague of death over my life and I wanted nothing but to be free.

Free of fear, free of addictions, porn, sex, self-harm, and many others but one more I will mention is self-sabotage- Self-sabotage is a rough one for me and a big one. One that I did not even notice patterns of until it was pointed out to me and all I could say was “Oh” and just nod my head.

It’s hard to admit that you were the one who was in your own way. I didn’t fully comprehend the love that God has for me, and I never will, it forces me to tears every time I think about the wonderful things he has done for me through my pain and wrongdoings.

It makes it worth all the bad days because there is always a purpose to the pain and he never lets a hurt go unnoticed, I can’t say that this will make sense to everyone but when you try to end your life and you hold something as precious as life and death in your hand.

It changes you, it changes your DNA, it changes you from head to toe, and I felt Jesus pull me into his embrace, pulling me back out of that pit of despair. The darkness started to fall away as he pulled me closer.

Not to be mean but…

Not to be mean but I forgot about you, I forgot about how you made me feel, I let go of every thought, every word that made me think of you.

You existed in my life for a purpose and for a time but you no longer have a hold on me any longer.

I forgot about you.

I wish I could be mean and I wish this was true but I need you and my heart breaks for the bond we once had I can not be the one who comes running to you just to fall down and break again.

I am too far gone and it’s no longer in my control to fight back for what we once had.

Maybe I am being childish, or petty but I can no longer be the bigger person with you.

That’s on you.

I miss your laugh.

Optimism and Emotional

I’m passionate, I’m full of life, I’m full of love and optimism as I sit here holding a necklace that you got me, even after it broke I still held on to a piece of it.

Over and over and over again I tell myself “Leave him alone he doesn’t need to hear from you he doesn’t need your mess in his life anymore, he doesn’t even think you are attractive, he’s not attracted to you anymore” and I think but how but why? How and why can I not get this man out of my head?

Is it because he was my first kiss? Was it because he was the first man who wasn’t my father who showed me love? Why? Why can’t I just move on?

Why can’t I just stop thinking about you! How we laughed together, how we just gave up because we were too insecure to just be emotionally available for to one another, I just want to speak with you. One more time, one last time. Just want you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.