In my mind I have a perfect vision of my perfect first date- Roses, a fancy dinner and a night under the stars just talking to one another- did it happen that way? NO but it was pretty awesome and I will say he swept me off my feet and it turned out to be not about the date but the man behind the date, opened my doors, paid for my meals, and was a gentleman all night and got me home on time, and walked me to my door and asked me out for another date.
My perfect first kiss- My first kiss, wow. I will have to say that my first kiss was one for the romance novels and I still think about it some times, some would say it wasn’t amazing but for me, being with a dream boat of a man at 18, who made you laugh when you would cry, watched romance movies with you and liked to bowl? It was perfect.
My first kiss happened after my boyfriend and I went out on a date, It was raining we had been out with other people at the local bowling/arcade in town, afterwards my boyfriend and I went out to his car. We ran to his car since it was raining pretty heavy, we got into the car and just started talking like we always did not wanting to take me home and say our goodbyes as we where chatting away I was talking and watching the rain hit the window I smiled and him and he looked over at me with a look I’ve never seen before and kissed me. I can still remember the dimly lit car in that parking lot and hearing the rain hit the window as I finally at 18 had my FIRST kiss!!! EVER!
My First and Second breakup- I dated a guy twice, he was my neighbor and become my friend. But oddly enough we met online. Crazy right? we lived right down the road from each other yet we met on a dating app. Anyways we had met multiple times growing up and saw each other growing but me being three years younger than him and me being home schooled we never really interacted with each other and I didn’t hang out with guys growing up.
We finally decided to go out on a date and meet each other in person again. He lived behind so it was perfect for him to pick me up for the first date, which led to many dates after that and finally made it official we where boyfriend and girl friend! I had a boyfriend! My first boyfriend!
It was going well, I loved spending time with him, going on dates, or just hanging out at our houses watching movies. It all changed when he got an apartment, I was nervous, nervous because things where changing and it was a lot of grown up stuff, I honestly was most afraid that what if he asked me to marry him? What would I say? Im I ready to do that, be a wife? To settle down? With him? All these thoughts where killing my peace of mind and I knew it wasn’t good to be in this much doubt and it wasn’t good for either of us and as much as I cared for him I knew I wasn’t ready for a long term relationship with him or anyone at this point in life, I wanted to do so much and me being me at time my communication skills where awful, I hated upsetting people and I didn’t like confrontation. AT. ALL.
But I finally decided that I needed to just rip the bandage off and go talk to him, and I did just that as much as I cared for him and wanted to be with him I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do and it would be better for the both of us.
I went over to his apartment and talked to him about everything and cried of course and then all I remember him saying that night was “I wish you would have told me how you felt so we could have figured this out together” and I was crushed but it also made me realize leaving that day as I sat in my car, again crying, I realized I had so many dreams to pursue and I couldn’t do it with someone else. Not right now.
AND that was the first time we broke up.
The second and last time we broke up was worse for me because I had been moved back home for almost two years at this point and I had changed a lot, some good some bad but more years on you will change you, grow you and show you who you really are. I had not talked to my ex for awhile and I had pretty much let him go. I honestly don’t remember who started the conversation first but in all honesty, I think it was me. He always said we could still be friends so I took him up on his offer and asked if we could get dinner sometime and so we did but he picked me up and we went to dinner multiple times the next month as well as going to the movies and hanging out but he would always pick me up and then pay for my dinner even though I would say no.
We finally had a deep discussion about what this was because I was confused and didn’t wanna play around with either of our feelings and emotions. We decided we would take are time and remain friends until he was done with his classes but it didn’t last we felt pulled to one another, we had history and we wanted a future together or so I thought.
We ended up dating for almost five months, he was busy with school for the most part, which was really hard but I wanted to be with him and be there for him as much as I could even though it was hard with him being busy and I honestly over looked all the things I should have noticed like he didn’t wanna take me on fun dates other than movie dates and he didn’t show up for forth of July and I was hurt, he was busy doing school, which was important but I wanted to be put first for once. I loved that he put so much effort in to his school but I felt like I wasn’t important because he showed his love to me differently, he bought me things, and that was not what I needed, I needed him around, I needed someone to talk to, to laugh with and to make memories with.
Not someone who never truly shared their feelings, or put me first as a priority. I’m not saying he never shared his feelings because he did, but looking back I realize that as much as I cared about him and I wanted him to be the best man he could be, he wasn’t my man, he was not the one God had planned for me.
I knew after the summer had ended and he was finally done with his collage classes that the end of “US” was near when he had put on our shared calendar “Talk With T” I knew that wasn’t good and something I have to point out that was our biggest disagreement was are take on religion. We both grow up learning very different things I was raised Assembly of God, he was raised Church of Christ If you know anything about these two they are so very different.
I knew I was not going to give up my beliefs for any one and I didn’t truly in my heart handle if he had decided to change churches and religion, I realized it was not my job to change someone else mind but to just live my life as a reflection of Gods love and sacrifice for his people, I understand looking back at why he put M and I together, it truly showed me how much I love God and showed me how passionate I am about my faith and what I believe to be the truth and that no man, women or person can take that away from me.
The night of the break up, I walked over to his house since I had moved back from LA he had moved back home also to save money and finish up school. I walked over and we talked about what we had learned through are private studies of the bible, nether one of us were backing down from what we believed and nether one of us jumping at the chance to say “I’ll leave my church and start going to yours” and that was good because nether one of us needed to and it was best that nether one of us did because as much as we cared for each other we didn’t deserve each other I didn’t deserve to one day be his wife and he didn’t one day deserve to call me his wife.
I say this because, I now know he was not the one God has for me I am glad that we broke up as heart broken as I was, as many times as I have cried, thrown things, kicked things and screamed. I know that it was for the best, This pain is almost gone and my heart will heal and I think God for the opportunity to grow and learn from this with a man as great as M.
There is nothing like a first boyfriend. A first date. A first kiss.
But what I’m excited about is when I get to experience it with my future husband some day, because I’ll listen to the wisdom of God this time, and not ignore his words like I did through this. Everything you go through the Lord is with you even something as simple as a breakup and I couldn’t have made it through what felt like my heart being ripped out and stomped on a thousand times but I did, I made it and I welcome what is to come next.
Thank you
XOXO
TJ
Mums the word 