Mums the word

The person I was in love with is no longer there, and the prince charming I knew has become a shell of a person as I was once, talking to you brought closure and a feeling of disguise I never thought I would or could feel towards you.

Was it a feeling of no respect or just me finally coming to my senses that you never were the man of my dreams, the harsh reality came hard and fast as I listened to you speak to me as if I never mattered to you.

I quickly hung up the phone and went back to a respectful man, and kind and showed me how I deserved to be treated, but I couldn’t be with him. He didn’t make my heart skip a beat for him, and I didn’t care for him like I should have.

My heart is ten times lighter after the closure of you, and I feel lighter as I get out of bed and get ready for another day, my mind no longer turns to you and I am signing off this chapter with you in the forefront of my mind.

I will never kiss you again, laugh with you again, call you my best friend, or anything else. I wouldn’t even turn around for you if you shouted my name in a crowd.

I don’t know what it is about October that brings out the ugliest sides of the world, can we blame it on a month made to be scary and dark?

Or is it just a coincidence, I have never really believed in coincidence but I do believe in fate, set in motion by God.

Of course we have free will to change and decided the final outcome of our situation, good or bad. I can not blame where the moon is in the sky for my feelings or actions nor can I truly blame a month for the darkness the world brings out.

Our choices in life are made by us alone, no one else.

I wish I could blame someone for my bad decision but I cannot, I am responsible for them, but they are in the past.

But what is not in the past is current sleepless nights that linger over me as I make my way through this troubling month.

I propose it could be the lack of trying to fix my broken behavior or maybe I no longer need six to eight hours of sleep.

I refuse to call it insomnia, I can’t add another word or phrase to my already growing collection of hospital records.

I don’t mind the late nights up watching tv, reading a book or sometimes just laying in bed thinking about the past and the bright future ahead.

Being alone in silence with my thoughts isn’t as haunting as it once was.

I think I’m starting to embrace the darkness the night sky holds for me.

Emotionally tethered, a bond deeper than anything I have experienced, a frightened feeling when I am not near you, but hate grows deep that I still long for your hand in mine, your laughter in my ear, your words cut deep as the words pour out “I love you but” grind the knife deeper into my gut.

What will I do now? Ten years of knowing you, a year departed from speaking yet I still long for your laughter and your touch, I dream of you when I sleep and when awake. I am mad at you for not running after me in the rain as if we were in a romance, maybe we are the tragedy at the end of a romantic film to never find happiness in each other.

Perhaps, I am unsure of our future but I welcome what comes between us, and forgiveness I hope to receive one day. I pray for that but ultimately I pray you find your happiness in life.

Forever ever Tethered to my heart and mind.

Since I found you I can’t right fiction anymore, I am no longer lost in a fictional world but I have opened my eyes to the world around me, I can no longer pretend, my life is to beautiful to make up anything, I can no longer sit at my laptop and imagine how the guy falls in love with girl and they live happily ever after.

I can no longer do it.

because I have it.

I sit and wait for the sadness to enter so I can write something sad again and write about a women getting out of a bad place but I can’t, I have nothing in me to write anymore. You took away the darkness.

I have your love now.

Isn’t it lovely? Sitting in a lonely gas station at Nine pm on a Friday night crying of what you lost, crying over the boy who hurt you, over the sister who abandon you, over the grandma who just passed away . So much can be said in just a few tears as you sit in your car with only the humming of your car engine and the few lights that are on in the old gas station parking lot.

My thoughts darken, my light is going out. “She was always a happy young girl” I hear them say quite often, and I cringe at their words “Am I not allowed to be sad?” “Am I not allowed to be sad?” “I don’t want to pretend anymore”.

But I will pretend for them and suffer in my silence slowly pushing myself until maybe someone notices I am no longer my true self. But who was I to begin with? Of course, if someone calls me out on my behavior I will deny deny deny. Yes, they are the ones with a problem. Not me.

I am fine.

I am fine.

I am fine.

I repeat this over and over again until it begins to feel real.

Perfect.

I don’t wanna go home, I want to be out. I want to be with you. I want to feel you and understand every reason behind the tattoo on your upper arm and how you got that scar on your upper lip, I stare at it.

Wondering how you could still be so beautiful.

If we end this night, it would be letting go of the mystery of you but all of this is just fiction. You whisked me away, you didn’t pick me up in your truck or take me out. You’re not here you never have been. I never had you touch me like I want you to, I never had you hold me as I cried about my sister leaving.

I watch your life unfold in the distance; that is how it is. I will always hold a special place in my heart for you and maybe I will always make my birthday wishes about you like when I was fourteen and wished you would be mine.

If I wait long enough you might take me home someday, to a house that is ours. Is that crazy? Don’t answer that. I already know the answer but I don’t want to hear what you or anyone thinks. That would ruin my image of you and me.

I just want to keep driving a little bit longer, please.

Just humor me? Okay?

I promise once the road splits, I will walk away and I will do my best to walk away. I have stayed away for this long, forever on this road without you can’t be as bad as I think. Right?

It doesn’t matter, I can’t turn back now. The road is ending and it’s not merging your way, I am on my own, but I will see you again someday.

Thank you for the dreams, I will see you on the highway.

The sadness crept in, and the window of my heart again opened for him. His tears and shaky hands had me shivering and hoping that he would pull me into his embrace so that I could take his sadness but that is not possible.

I am not the person he needs to lean on now, and I am glad. In my selfishness I wish I was there, I wish I had always been there for him. But God. But God had other plans.

I don’t understand the plans of God and I don’t understand the plans of God and I do not want to question God’s plans and why the windows have slowly started to open again.

Even in time the wounds still hurts after four years and ten months

You sat on a couch in your mothers house saying “I love you but-” to me for the last time

For six months I gave you everything

But it wasn’t enough

At least not for you

You ignored me the summer of 2018 but I still prayed for a fairy tale ending

I did, until that raining day in September when you said “I love you” for the first time

You broke my heart

You broke my heart and I walked out

I know longer pray for you to walk back into my life after that nightmare

But I see myself yelling “Don’t tell me you love me” As you ended something beautiful

You told me you would always love me

I believed you then and I believe you now.

Even now I still love you. And piece of me always will.

I sold my soul to the devil last night, thinking it would help me sleep peacefully thinking it would release me in my darkest of wounds

I sold my soul to the man down stairs that holds no keys that holds no power, someone who didn’t die for me I sold my soul to a selfish love believing that it would be different, that I would be different and free.

This time I sunk deeper into the lies deeper into my troubles and pain my heart pounding in my chest I can’t see the surfice as I sink deeper into the dark waters.